Journal Entry 1

These weekly thoughts are going to be a little different. It’s kind of over due at this point. Especially since the funeral just past. That was another story that I plan on telling this weekend on the original day of this post, Sunday. Expect that soon. But I kinda was just journaling and felt like I should share. I posted the rough draft of these poems in this post on my story. This is a long introduction to this post. I wrote this in first person point of view like I’m telling a story. So here’s a piece of my life. Here goes Journal Entry 1.

6/13/2022

Journal Entry 1

I merely filled this blog with my thoughts from today. My led lights awoke me. Creating a red glow. Their scheduled to shine at 6 am. I open my eyes at 6 but my mind felt like it was up all night. My dreams were like flashes of memories and views of things I wished came true. I could hear his (best friend) voice in my ear. I rolled over and cut off my alarm at 6:15 am. Then I started my morning turn up, as I would call it. If you’re a close friend, you’ll see on my Instagram how I start my day. A lot of loud rap music and my lights flashing like bliss on Saturday night. The music was loud, but it wasn’t getting me as hype today. I wrote this poem before I finished getting dressed.

Another Day

Another fake smile

A couple of fake greets

It’s tiring to grieve and stay at a place that brings no peace

Dreading being in here

Quitting without a plan is something I fear

So I’ll stick here for now

It’s just another day

Well, at least I’m about to get paid

No amount can replace 

Every day in here feels like a waste

He believed I can be great

Hours spent building someone else enterprise

Make me feel like I won’t ever rise

Once at work, I thought, I’ll be able to tune out the world. Just do my job as needed and get through another day. After just an hour and a half into the shift. I received the funeral plans. My body went into shock again while I was sitting in the break room. Tears built up in my eyes. I can hear my heart thumping like some 808s. I didn’t shed one tear. Cause I didn’t want to let down my shield. So I tried to pull it together but was flooded with the image of my boy laying in a coffin. Then I suddenly started receiving memories back to back. Then I started writing this.

One more

One more pound

One more drink

One more ride

One more Smile

One more hotel 

Shit, I just miss you

Can’t think too much or I’m going to need some tissue

At work trying to pull myself together, 

But I just want my brother

Trying to get through another day 

Don’t want no sympathy 

Cause those words are just too empty to me

So traditional 

It’s going to be okay

Like no, it’s not

I’ll never see him again

We’ll never get to turn up again

We’ll never take those trips we were planning

We’ll never grow old together

I’ll never get to dap up my brother

Share a laugh with my brother

Everyone wants to just lift me up, but there’s no solution for this pain in my chest

After 5 hours of working, I found myself in a corner with tears nearing the edge of my eyelids. The memories were hitting me too hard. I could hardly bear the feeling. Took an early lunch to avoid being seen for a while. Once back, it was back to the same old dead feeling inside. My phone buzzed twice. I looked down to see your name come up in a group chat, but of course you weren’t the one messaging. Then our group location app sounded, and it was telling me your phone needed to be charged. I wish I could tell you. I wanted to break down right there, but I held on as I waited till the end of my shift. 2 hours to go and I started writing this.

Couple more hours

I can go home

Rest this dome

I have filled it with memories that I’ll never see again

A pain that I don’t want to feel again

I never thought you’ll become the angel that I gain

It’s been weeks but it feels like yesterday 

My heart feels so empty today

Barely want to eat

Just want to let my tears flow

Just ready to go…

Now I dive into my creative side to escape the thoughts. This may be the first journal entry of many or maybe not. If anyone wants more post like this, then I may do another. But as of late, I was letting everything flow through me. Not forcing any posts and it’s been an okay experience. I feel free from the shackles of my mind that tell me to force out. Today was tough, but hopefully tomorrow will be better. I may do another entry soon. See you then with another journal entry.

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