Behind The Scenes: 400+ Part 2

This weight has been a thorn in my side for so long. It’s getting annoying to even talk about it. But here goes nothing. 3 years of me working out and losing weight then gaining it back. Led me to finally drop the weight needed to meet the surgeon.

The surgeon talked about the side effects and what could happen and I didn’t feel right. You know? I love the idea of dropping weight faster than usual but something just didn’t feel right. After the meeting, I still had to deal with another doctor before I can reach the surgeon again.

That brings me to my current situation. Where I’m lost trying to get passed this never-ending task. You would think just going to sleep with a mask on would be easy. But for me, it’s the hardest thing I have faced.

I struggle with it almost every night. It’s like an air conditioner just blowing into my nose and mouth while I try to sleep. I only have to do it for a month and I can’t get through one night. The doctors act like I’m speaking a foreign language when I tell them I can’t sleep with it. Peers do the same thing.

I ask God for a sign all the time for if I should pull out or not. Maybe this is the sign or maybe it’s just another never-ending challenge. I still workout and try to eat right and lose some weight. But it’s nothing like if I went under already. That’s it for this post. Like, comment and share for more post like this. Enjoy some of my previous post below. See you tomorrow.

Behind The Scenes: 400+

I have been thinking a lot lately about this weight thing as I always do. Like I have lost over 50 pounds without the surgery. And congratulations and all to myself but it’s not that impressive to me. As long as I still see this stomach it’s not enough. As long as I see these 6x pants it’s not enough.

 I know at some point I should stop and smell the roses but I have been big my entire life. I believe I didn’t reach the 400s until after high school 3 years ago. And it’s been a bumpy road. One week I’m down 3 the next week I’m up 5 it’s like a never-ending elevator. 

I think the only reason I’m talking about this is that this surgery thing hangs in over my head. Still parts of me believe I can lose it on my own but the realistic side doesn’t believe it. Thinking of all the sacrifices I had to make makes me wonder is it worth it.

 Even thinking of the outcome makes me think I’m crazy for even doubting. A piece of me wants this for clothing purposes. I know it’s a weird reason but it feels a whole lot better when you got options that cater to your style or ideal style. But when you obese you have to settle. Settle for any old thing with your size on it. You know I often hear the slogan, “when you look good, you feel good”. But I don’t feel like I look good in the outfits I settle for so my happiness doesn’t measure out. I’m not even happy to say I missed out on so many events because I’m not happy with my appearance. I can go down the list but I don’t want to really make this too long.

 Other than that is real health. More specifically DIABETES. I don’t have it but a lot of my family does, and it’s one of those things that I’m so close to having. I grew up my whole life watching family stick themselves with needles and lose body parts. It’s just something I know I can avoid with weight loss. In a way, their struggle motivates me to go harder every day. 

Behind The Scenes: Dark Poems

 

I feel like my poetry be so dark and moody because I went through a tough time but I didn’t have a voice back then. So now I’m letting out those feelings that I had back then when I was voiceless. Other than that I sometimes do storytelling that’s emotional in a way to attract the audience and give some type of feeling. You know a poem that connects your situations to the character in the piece. I don’t know why I do it like that. I guess because that’s what attracts me to certain poems and song is the passion displayed by the artist or actors in the video. You know when that certain song play where it just grabs you and pulls you closer and make you fully understand what’s going on. That’s the feeling I try to create in some of my pieces.